雅思“媒介类”题材习作修改
题目
In modern society,it is possible to go shopping,work and communicate via the Internet without face-to-face contact with one another.To what extent do you think this is a positive or negative development?
习作
With the development of the society,Internet becoming more and more popular among people all over the world.Even in recent years,many online shopping makes people’s lives convenient in many aspects.People can go shopping,work and communicate through the Internet without face-to-face contact with others,Internet really changes people’s everyday life.
Internet connects people from all over the world.People with different culture can easily contact one another in different countries.In the past,it is extremely difficult for people in different countries to develop an international trade,they usually send letters to confirm the details about the trade and it often costs so much time and takes more inconvenience,but in recent years,with the development of the Internet,people can send an e-mail that others can receive it instantly and it totally decrease the transaction times between these two parties.In the past,we could hardly believe how people can go shopping just online,but now,it really comes true and gives more convenience to people who don’t have the time to shopping outside.
Every coin has two sides.Internet also makes people lazy.As we all know,we can do everything through the Internet so that we will not write things by hands or do something personally.Also,there are a lot of bad and harmful information on the Internet and people in lower ages may be easily affected.Even if you are not addicted to the Internet or any other technology,you may be struggling with its enticement.
As far as I’m concerned,Internet really gives more convenience to people’s everyday life,but there are also many bad things that will lure people away from morality.Therefore,people should use the Internet properly and make everything in charge.
评分：5.5
唐老师评改
本题的核心是：网络让人们不再需要面对面交流，这在何种程度上是好事，何种程度上是坏事？这个题目不难，因为我们平时经常都在讨论这样的问题。网络让我们购物、工作和交流都变得快捷简单，降低成本，提高效率，但是网络也带来了一些问题，那就是人与人之间的关系逐渐演变成人与机器之间的关系，人们的朋友越来越少，因此变得越来越孤独。因此，这个题目需要论证的就是两个方面（一定要围绕网络与交流之间的关系来讨论）：一，网络给我们的交流带来的益处；二，网络让我们与世界失去真实的联系，从而产生了一系列不良的后果。、
本学生习作语言比较正确（个别地方表达不清楚），逻辑也比较顺畅。第三段论述网络的坏处，但与人际交流完全没有关系，因此严格地说，本段写偏了，因此也影响了得分。
第1段：With the development of the society,Internet becoming more and more popular among people all over the world.Even in recent years,many online shopping makes people’s lives convenient in many aspects.People can go shopping,work and communicate through the Internet without face-to-face contact with others,Internet really changes people’s everyday life.
[修改]With the development of society,Internet is becoming more and more popular among people all over the world.People can go shopping,work and communicate through Internet without face-to-face contact with others,so Internet has really changed people’s everyday life.
[评析]本段为开头段，先引出话题，然后重述原文观点。让老雅不解的是，为什么在引入句后写一句“Even in recent years,many online shopping makes people’s lives convenient in many aspects”。本题目的话题并不是专门针对online shopping，为什么要画蛇添足这么一句？老雅建议去掉这样的句子。另外，本段最后两句是流水句，应该增加连接词。
第2段：Internet connects people from all over the world.People with different culture can easily contact one another in different countries.In the past,it is extremely difficult for people in different countries to develop an international trade,they usually send letters to confirm the details about the trade and it often costs so much time and takes more inconvenience,but in recent years,with the development of the Internet,people can send an e-mail that others can receive it instantly and it totally decrease the transaction times between these two parties.In the past,we could hardly believe how people can go shopping just online,but now,it really comes true and gives more convenience to people who don’t have the time to shopping outside.
[修改]Internet connects people from every corner of the world.People with different cultural background can easily contact one another.For example,in the past,it was extremely difficult for people of different countries to develop an international trade.At that time,they confirmed the details of their trade by sending letters to each other,which often cost much time and energy.But nowadays,with the development of the Internet,people can send e-mails that others can receive instantly so that the transaction time is significantly reduced.Decades ago,we could hardly believe that people could buy things they want online,but now,this has come true and made shopping very convenient for people.
[评析]本段论述网络给人们交流带来的好处，主要着眼于网络使人们交流更为容易，更节约时间。论证时使用了举例法。（1）all over the world已经在段中出现，为避免重复，改为every corner of the world，这个改动看起来平淡无奇，但却避免了重复，让考官不能在这里找茬扣分。（2）...they usually send letters to confirm the details about the trade and it often costs so much time and takes more inconvenience...一句中，时态完全是错乱的，明明讲过去（in the past)，却一直在用一般现在时。老雅有时候非常不解，我们的学生为什么要这样呢？也许答案还是要归结到汉语的影响：汉语没有时态系统，这就需要我们有意识地去克服汉语语法带来的负面作用。另外，本句平淡无奇，完全可以改换一下句型，博得考官的好印象：...they confirmed the details of their trade by sending letters to each other,which often cost much time and energy...
第3段：Every coin has two sides.Internet also makes people lazy.As we all know,we can do everything through the Internet so that we will not write things by hands or do something personally.Also,there are a lot of bad and harmful information on the Internet and people in lower ages may be easily affected.Even if you are not addicted to the Internet or any other technology,you may be struggling with its enticement.
[修改]However,while making it unnecessary for people to communicate face-to-face,Internet may also bring about some negative effects.In the first place,Internet makes people lazy.As we all know,we can do almost everything through Internet so that we do not have to write anything by hand or do anything ourselves.In fact,many of my friends now complain that they cannot spell words correctly.In addition,without face-to-face contact,many people now do not know how to make friends with others,so when they get offline,they feel they are at odds with the real world.
[评析]本段论述网络对人与人交流造成的负面影响。原文言之无物，同时还脱离了主题（网络上有很多错误信息与人与人交流的主题关系不大），因此是非常失败的一个段落。（1）本段缺乏一个明确的主题句，应增添上。（2）“every coin has two sides”这样的短语应在雅思写作中尽量避免，因为它毫无新意，只能让考官皱眉头。
第4段：As far as I’m concerned,Internet really gives more convenience to people’s everyday life,but there are also many bad things that will lure people away from morality.Therefore,people should use the Internet properly and make everything in charge.
[修改]As far as I’m concerned,Internet does make communication among people more convenient,yet it also has the potential to prevent people from establishing real friendship and thus destroy human relationships.Therefore,we should use Internet properly and try to bring everything under control.
[评析]结尾段完全没有提及题目的关键词，即“交流”。